i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
