Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
