She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
