I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
