i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
