Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
