i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
