I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
