Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
