Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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