I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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