FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
