My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
