just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
