Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I am available for nakedness
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
