So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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