Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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