Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
