So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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