He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
