so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
