Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Sorry about my life...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
