Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
