I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It's shark week go big or go home
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
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