I can text with my tongue
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
