he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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