i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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