Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
