You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Found your dick twin last night
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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