He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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