i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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