wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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