I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
