so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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