my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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