you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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