Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
