no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
