I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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