My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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