He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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