Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
