He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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