meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
