my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
