My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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