New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
