You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
