I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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