Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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