The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
